My Naked Heart
Today I get to bare my heart. I want to share something with you that is near and dear to me. In this post, I will be more vulnerable than I have ever been in any post that I have written to date. I want to tell you the truth behind why I almost divorced my wife.
I have learned that the best way to get a message across is to speak from experience. That was not always the case for me however. I used to believe that I could live a life exempt from mistakes…that I could accumulate massive amounts of wisdom by learning from the mistakes of others…especially if I maintained the position of a student. Unfortunately when it came to relationships…I lost that position. Despite that, I still felt that even though I had never witnessed a successful long term relationship and regardless of the fact that I did not have a tangible example that I could model my relationship patterns after, I felt that I could conquer marriage on my first attempt. After all, I was that guy teaching others to succeed in their relationships. Funny how things work when you have to take your own medicine. Allow me to take you into my secret closet.
My Letter To God
In this post, I want to be very honest with the men who read this. I want to show you what to expect if you journey down the road that I took. Women, take notes as well…this will help you know what to look for when dating. Let me share the top reason why I almost divorced my wife. But so that you know that this is real…I will let you read a letter that I wrote to God on 4/12/08 at 1:05am.
Hi Daddy. I am writing to remind you that I am still waiting. I want my encounter with You and I grow desperate by the hour. Some days I feel that all I can do is sit and listen with hopes that You just might whisper something into my ear. There are nights where I anticipate going to bed with hopes of some type of encounter that would bring me closer to You. To be honest, I feel like writing You is my last option. My heart cries in hunger for just one taste of You. I now feel some of what the lady with the issue of blood felt as she desperately pressed her way through the crowd just for one touch, one encounter, one moment that she knew would change her life forever…I am crying…both inside and out…because I truly feel that the only thing that can further develop me, further grow me and change my life forever is one encounter with You, the lover of my soul…
Awaiting your response,
My Inner Darkness
As you can see from the tone of this letter…I was in a dark and desperate place. At this point in my life, we were engaged to be married but still had 3 months to go. I thought that I just wanted a mystical experience with God…what I was really craving was to not feel lonely…to feel significance, for someone bigger than me to tell me personally. I wanted confirmation that I was capable, that I was able to be the guy that everyone told me I could be. I secretly doubted my abilities because I knew that I possessed deep voids. The problem was that I never admitted that I was lonely. I never admitted that I had voids that caused me to feel insignificant. I never admitted my frustrations towards God…plus even if I told Him…would He really answer? Over the course of a year or so, the frustration towards God started to bleed into my relationship with my wife. And even though I wrote many of these letters…I rarely exposed myself outside of my secret thoughts.
As a result, I began to isolate myself from my wife. I hid my inner-most issues and used them as a way to shield me from becoming vulnerable enough to express them to my wife. I camped out on the lonely island of my soul and blamed her for the distance. Loneliness was nothing new to me however…growing up in a house full of girls, I rarely had someone to vent to. At the risk of being called a “sissy” or “girly,” I rarely opened up about any pain, any fears or any frustrations. My release valve was my anger and little did I know that the anger was fueled by loneliness…not the other way around. As I matured, I became appreciative of my ability to distance myself from people. It became a switch that I could turn on or off at a moment’s notice…unfortunately for me, when I got married, that switch malfunctioned. At times I would embrace my loneliness more than I would embrace my wife…sad but true.
My reasoning was that if God could not appease my divine dissatisfaction…what could my wife do? I began to devalue her role in my life and literally lost my interest in her. After all, if my hunger for my wife was trumped by my hunger to feed this lingering void…she would only distract me from my mission. I lost my will to fight. The issues that we were naturally struggling with became the center focus and because of my self-preserving nature…I became even more distant. As a result, we grew apart…and I wanted out. Thankfully, my wife is the true definition of patience. Mix that with the fact that I could not bring myself to say the “D” word to her…we eventually reconciled and overtime, birthed Mend Our Marriage…one of my greatest joys.
Don’t Skip This Part!
I know that I ended the story abruptly (trust me there is plenty more) but I wanted to drive home one very key point without sounding redundant. I know that there is a lack of “good” men who are already positioned and available for serious relationships. I also know that there are many men who wrestle with many of the same struggles that I mentioned above. When it comes to marriages, men don’t feel safe or secure enough (within themselves) to express their deepest, darkest heart cries. Many don’t even know where to start. As a result, us men will hide…and wear our “Manly” mask so as to appear without spot or blemish. We present as if we have our lives in complete order all the while our hearts are crying themselves to sleep. I have been there. I know the balancing act…I know the pain. And, I know the trap that being this way creates.
Men, if you want to become truly the husband that you wife needs…now is the time to face the truth for what it really is. The more you cover it, the more it eats at your soul. The longer you hide it, the greater the risk you take at it eroding the very foundation of your marriage. As you stand with me, we will fight together to facilitate the healing process. We will work to undergird each other in truth, integrity and healing. When you heal, marriages heal.
Women, if you are still looking for your husband to be who you married him to be…rest assured that he is only as far as he wants to be from achieving that goal. There are no such things as a bad husband…only good husbands unrevealed. Every husband is a good husband once revealed. As you stand with us, we will fight to help men become walking revelations. I will use the experience and wisdom of my life to help bring lasting change. I won’t be like some marriage experts who can’t be open, vulnerable and assessable. What I have I desire to give.
This post could literally go on and on but I know I have to end somewhere. So, I will say this…We have developed tons of great resources to help you along the way. If you are a husband looking for healing or a wife looking to ease your marriage frustrations, here at Mend Our Marriage we have tools to accommodate your current position.
Also, I invite you to join our Mastering Marriage 7 Day Email Prayer Challenge by subscribing below. By doing so, you will have access to our email list where you will receive 7 specific prayers for you to pray over your marriage over the next 7 days plus tons of free resources and tools just like this article that can help enhance your marriage.